I ask: What crime or crimes has he committed? Numerous base allegations have been made:

 

1. Trespass/Breaking & entering. Santa only goes to houses where he is invited in. The invitations used to be posted up the chimney but these days many are sent by email and I believe that leaving out a glass of sherry, a mince pie and a carrot (for Rudolph, as is common practice in the UK) would be regarded by a jury as "implied consent to visit".

 

2. Slave labor. Information regarding the working conditions in Santa's workshops is scanty but we have no reason to believe his elves work in conditions which are unsafe or that their working conditions are unsanitary or otherwise inappropriate.

 

3. Theft. No supplier of raw materials has ever, to the best of my knowledge, filed a suit against Santa. The consumables left out for him would not be considered to have been stolen in common law.

 

4. Import/export law. This is more of an issue. It would seem that Santa moves large amounts of goods across national borders without paying duty but this has never been proven. Although it is said that Santa's workshop is at the North Pole, it has never been demonstrated that it is the only one. By analogy, Amazon is an American company - but not everything I buy from them comes from an American warehouse or factory.

 

5. Regulations relating to airspace. The mechanism by which Santa travels from place to place is rumored to be by a flying sleigh pulled by reindeer (which further invokes questions related to animal cruelty) but this has never been proven. Unless the prospecting counsel has evidence showing the existence of this so-called "flying sleigh", I insist that this charge be stricken from the record.

 

6. Blackmail/Protectionism. Children are informed that Santa keeps "Nice list" and a "Naughty list" and it is alleged that this constitutes blackmail - inclusion on the "Naughty list" would have a deleterious effect on the childrens future quality of life. I state for the record that the converse is true; children are - as are we all! - inherently on the Naughty List, and rightly so. The scheme nobly created and run by my client enables children - by the simple expedient of being good - to remove themselves from the Naughty List and to gain the benefits that being on the Nice List brings. This is no more blackmail that when a dentist advices us to brush daily to avoid tooth decay.

 

My lord and members of the jury, it is patently clear to all that the charges against my client are a trumped up pack of lies and I call for them to be dropped and for Mr Claus to be released forthwith without a stain upon his reputation.